Letting Go
by The Silver Feathered Raven
Summary: After the death of one of the group, Sanzo must deal with his own emotions.
1. Crumbling

A/N: Another one shot (though I might expand this into a three- or four- shot, depending on if people want more). And, as it is with my other one shots, this is an emotional piece. I used repitition again, to get across the emotions that I wanted. Hope that it worked.

Sanzo may be a little out of character, but considering the topic of this piece...

Read on.

Oh, and thanks to Ditch Gospel for telling me about the errors. And everyone else.I've fixed them, taken this piece through a second editing, and fixed some of the awkward wording. If anyone else catches anything else, please tell me. Then I will go back and fix it to make this even better.

* * *

**Letting Go**

**Crumbling**

He stands before the newly packed mound of earth, smoking a cigarette. Alone. That's how he prefers to be, especially now. After all, who wants company when…

He's been standing there for some time now. Just staring. His mind is in complete turmoil, as though someone has taken all of his thoughts and memories and thrown them to the wind, making him go and try to find them and piece them all together. It's hard for him to remember what happened the last few days, what led up to this. He doesn't even _want_ to try to remember. Not when he's standing before this grave.

The others are waiting back in the jeep, affording him the luxury of being alone. Knowing that he needs to be alone. Even if he doesn't show it, they know how much this has hurt him.

He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes. Then he opens them again and looks down at the ground. It's still there. There's still a grave, covered in fresh dirt. A newly dead body tucked away inside a blanket of earth. A life snuffed out, just like that.

Sanzo drops his cigarette, crushing it under his heel. It feels good. That small movement feels good. Crushing something, destroying it. He wants to shoot something, tear something to pieces. But he never would and he never will, and especially not under these circumstances. Some other time, perhaps, when they are attacked by youkai. When their lives depend on him killing something. Then he will loose his emotions in the action of pulling the trigger of his gun. Watch the blood splatter on the ground. But his face won't ever show any of that emotion.

He takes another deep breath, still staring at the grave. There's a headstone, though it has no name written upon its face. They don't have time to write anything. They couldn't afford to wait for any elaborate burial and they can't wait for someone to etch a name upon the rock. No one will ever know the man who is buried here.

Sanzo clenches his jaw and then, in an uncharacteristic display of weakness, his sinks to the ground, a hand to his head. He has a headache. A dull throbbing in his skull. It doesn't really hurt. It's just…annoying.

He's glad that the others are at the jeep. Glad that no one is around. But he's still not going to show any emotion. He's not going to talk. Not going to…definitely not going to cry. He won't cry.

When he finally gets up, when he finally walks back to the jeep and gets into the passenger seat, he's going to act as though nothing has happened. He'll pull out a cigarette, light it, and sit there. Not talking, just smoking. He won't even think about the person who is no longer sitting in the jeep with them. He won't forget thathe isgone and he won't try to talk to him.

But he might forget that _Sanzo_ is supposed to yell. He might forget that _Sanzo_ is supposed to fire his gun at the smallest thing, or hit someone over the head with his fan. The others willrealize that he's hurt, of course. They may even try to make him talk about it. But he won't do that. He'll just tell them to shut up and then he'll go back to smoking, the white smoke swirling backwards as they drive toward the west.

He'll just make sure that they finish the damned quest. And then he'll—

He doesn't even know what he will do when this is all over. He really doesn't.

He's still sitting there, staring at the grave. There are a couple of flowers lying near the headstone. Sanzo wasn't the one to put them there. He's not that sentimental. Beside, what good are flowers for the dead?

The ground is slightly muddy from a light rain that had fallen the night he died. Sanzo could have laughed at the irony of it all. Or was it even irony? That he had died during the rain, just as _he_ had died during the rain all those years ago? He could have laughed if he were the type of person to laugh. Though there would have been no humor in the laughter. It would have been cold, harsh, grating in his throat.

His head sinks into his hands. Damn it, he's not going to cry! He's not going to—

He's crumbling.

He didn't think that it would hurt this much. Losing him. He thought that…that losing one person had allowed him to seal off those emotions, to keep them from ever coming back. That if one of those around him died he would be able to keep from feeling anything.

He thought he had learned to live without holding anything. He thought that…

Damn it!

It was like something was in his chest, tightening around his heart and lungs, cutting off the flow of air and making his breath grow short. Like ice starting in the very center of his body and spreading outward. Like…

His squeezes his eyes shut, digging his fingernails into his scalp. It shouldn't hurt this much! Losing someone—

He lived for himself, not for anyone else. He hadn't lost anything, really. It didn't matter, their journey would go on. It would continue and they would finish without him. It didn't matter that he was dead. It didn't matter…

He wants to stop thinking about it. Wants to shut everything out, like he has done so many times before. It shouldn't matter so much that he's gone…

When he gets back to the jeep they are going to ask him what's wrong. Even though they know full well what it is that's eating away at the inside of him. They know, because theyare goingthrough the same thing.

It's not like he's the only one who lost him. They all have.

He's glad they're not here. If they were…

If they were he'd act like nothing was wrong. He'd stand there, smoking. Silent. Not crying. Not crying. He's not going to cry.

It's beginning to become a useless mantra. It doesn't matter how many times he repeats it to himself. He jams the palms of his hands into his eyes, trying to keep himself from breaking down. Sanzo doesn't cry. He hasn't, not in all the years that he's known them. He won't cry now. He—

It's not working. It's not working. Damn it, damn it, damn it!

He wants to scream. He wants to slam his fist into a tree, maybe even break it. The pain of broken bones in his hand would distract him from this other pain, wouldn't it? But then…

Then they'd ask him how he hurt his hand. He wouldn't tell them, of course. But still…

A spray of blood, the crack of bones, a strangled scream, and a gunshot. That's all it had taken. For him to die. The blood, the bone, the scream. All his. And it had been Sanzo who had shot the gun, killing the youkai that had killed _him_. But he hadn't been able to save him. Hadn't—

He feels wetness slap his cheeks. What was this? Was he…was he crying? But he didn't cry. Sanzo didn't cry. Genjyo Sanzo didn't…

All it takes are those first few tears to escape and then he is sobbing. Shaking. Leaning forward, clutching at his head with his hands. Trying to stop the tears, the sobs. Trying to—

He was gone. He was really gone. And he wouldn't be coming back.

Why did it have to hurt so much? Why did losing that simple person hurt so damn much? It shouldn't. It really shouldn't.

But it did. It hurt like hell, making him…

Making him crumble and fall to pieces.

And so he sat there, crying. No one saw him and even if they had, they wouldn't have believed it.

Sanzo doesn't cry. Never.

Sanzo doesn't cry, so maybe it isn't Sanzo who is sitting before his grave, sobbing as though his heart will break. Maybe it is someone else. Maybe it's the person Sanzo could have been. Maybe it's who Sanzo really is, but never shows. Maybe…

Eventually, he will stop crying. And when he does he will get up, make sure that it looks as though he has never even thought of crying. Then he will return to the jeep and sit down in the passenger seat. They'll drive off to the west, as though nothing had ever happened. They'll worry about him, wondering why he doesn't seem like it hurts him. They may even try to make him talk about it. Ask him why he doesn't cry.

He won't answer. He'll never admit that he fell apart. Never.

But now he sits there, on the damp grass.

Broken, though only for the moment.

Crying. Sanzo…

Crying.

* * *

A/N2: So, did you like it? I actually just sat down and wrote this...first thing that came to my mind. I was having a depressing day, so this sort of fit with how I was feeling... 

Do you want more? Want to know who it was that died? Spelling errors that I didn't catch? Feedback is greatly appreciated.

Raven


	2. Why?

A/N: Second chapter. Wow, got a lot of reviews on the first post. Thanks, everyone! Any way, here's the next one. Different point of view and I'm not sure that any of you were expecting what has happened...

This chapter is also written in past tense, rather than present. The tenses may change around a bit from chapter to chapter; present when it is a very emotional part, past when it is showing movement. I find that the tenses help me to get across different moods.

Anyway, thank you's to everyone who reviewed. Especially to those who told me that there were errors in the last chapter. I went back and fixed it, tried to smooth a few parts out a bit. Special thanks to Ditch Gospel for pointing out two specific errors. Also...I suppose this chapter will answer a few peoples' questions...

Oh, and narrizan? I am feeling much more cheerful now. Writing is so good for doing that...thank you for asking!

Read on...

* * *

**Letting Go**

**Why?**

He was lying in the back seat of the jeep when Sanzo returned. He didn't notice at first, being so absorbed in watching the clouds dart across the sky that he didn't hear the light footsteps that announced the priest's presence.

The jeep shifted slightly as Sanzo sat down in the passenger seat. He heard the sound of his robes rustling, the crinkling of a package, the clicking of a lighter, and then the scent of cigarette smoke drifted back to him. He really didn't want to smell smoke right now. He just wanted to stare up at the sky. Because when he looked up at the sky and didn't see anything else he could imagine that nothing else in the world existed. That he was back in his cave on the mountain, not knowing about death and loss.

He turned his head, looking at Sanzo. The man was sitting there, still as ever, one hand holding his cigarette as he smoked away. Goku sat up, leaning forward so as to get a view of Sanzo's face. He looked and saw…

Nothing. It was just a blank mask, like always. There was nothing there.

Like nothing had ever happened.

He blinked. Shouldn't Sanzo feel something? After all, he was gone…

"Sit down, Goku. And you," he directed his next words to the man in the driver's seat. "Let's go."

The man behind the steering wheel stared at him. "Wait. Sanzo—" His voice was hoarse, from the crying he had done.

Goku saw Sanzo close his eyes as he exhaled a cloud of smoke. Other than that…

Nothing.

"We've already wasted too much time. Now, get the damned jeep moving." Despite his words, the tone that he spoke in was…blank. Almost too controlled.

Goku turned his head to the side, staring at the blond haired man. Far too controlled. Maybe—

"Sanzo, don't you even care that—"

There was a clicking sound as Sanzo drew his gun and in one swift movement had it aimed at the driver's head. "I said to get the jeep moving. If you can't do that, than get out of the jeep or get your head blown off. Keep _his_ sorry ass company, for all I care. And Goku, I said to sit _down!_"

Goku sat back in his seat, his eyes wide. Something was wrong. He just wasn't sure what.

The man in the driver's seat had tensed at Sanzo's words, his fingers tightening on the steering wheel until they turned white.

"Bastard," he growled, his voice icy. "Don't you _dare_ talk like that, especially about him." He swallowed hard and Goku could see that he was fighting to keep his anger down. "You want me to drive? Fine, I'll drive." Without much warning, he slammed his foot down on the gas.

Goku grabbed at the side of the jeep, bracing himself with both his feet and arms as the vehicle jumped forward. He heard Sanzo swear.

"What the hell are you doing? Trying to get us all killed? Slow the hell down!" Goku cringed at the tone of Sanzo's voice. Couldn't he just…

"I thought you told me I could go die. What do you want from me, Sanzo? Do you want me to drive or do you want me to die?"

"Guys!" yelled Goku, trying the only thing that he thought would get them to stop this. And that was yelling. "_Guys!_"

"Shut the hell up, you damned monkey," snarled the priest, though no gun or fan appeared. "I don't want to hear that you're hungry."

Goku bit his bottom lip, taking a deep breath. "Sanzo, I wasn't going to say that. I wasn't."

"Really. Somehow, I don't believe you." Sanzo sat there, looking forward. After those words he fell silent. As did the man sitting next to him. Neither looked at each other. Neither spoke. An uncomfortable silence fell over the jeep, broken only by the wind as it whistled past them.

Goku sat back. "Guys…" There was no response. "Hey, I have something to say! Can't you all just listen to me?"

Nothing. It was like talking to a rock. Only…only it was probably possible to get more of a reaction out of a rock.

"Guys…please?"

"Shut up."

He sank back against the back of his seat, gripping the seat cushions with his fingers. He wouldn't listen. Neither of them would listen.

Maybe he should just stop trying. If they wouldn't listen, maybe he should just stop talking.

It was strange, this whole death thing. He'd killed so often but he had never really _lost_ someone before. At least, not from what he could remember. He'd thought that he'd lost Sanzo, all those times that he had been injured to the point of almost dying. Thought he'd lost him, only to find out later, before anything had really sunk in, that he would live. That he would be fine.

So he'd never really lost anything before.

And now…now he didn't really feel like himself. He felt numb. Really numb. He wondered if the feeling would ever go away, if he'd ever get over it.

Other people lost things and got over it, didn't they?

He hadn't eaten since…since when? Last night? The night before? But the thing was, he wasn't hungry. Oh, he knew that he needed to eat. But he just…the thought of food was repulsive at the moment.

What he really wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. Or scream. Or just start running. And keep running until his shoes wore out and his feet were cut to bloody ribbons.

Would that help?

And shouldn't…shouldn't Sanzo be feeling the way that he was now? And shouldn't he be showing some of that pain? Scream, cry, yell, break out from that cold, icy guise he always wore? Shouldn't his eyes show some sort of pain?

He leaned forward, wanting to get a better look at Sanzo's eyes. Only, the priest was facing forward. Goku couldn't see his eyes.

"Hey, Sanzo?"

No answer.

Goku tapped him on the shoulder. "Sanzo? I'm hung—"

That did the trick. The priest turned around, fan out, upraised, ready to hit him—

"Shut the—"

Nothing.

Sanzo dropped his arm and let his voice stop. He turned back to the front.

"If you're hungry, there's bound to be something back there. Eat all you want. Not like I care."

Goku just sat there, staring. He had stopped. He hadn't hit him. Hadn't—

Maybe he did feel something after all. After all, Sanzo had never _not_ hit him once the fan was out before. And he was acting different...

But his eyes were the same. Exactly the same. Nothing had changed in them from before this whole mess had happened. There was nothing new in them, no hint of any feeling that had just suddenly appeared.

So maybe he really _didn't_ feel anything.

Goku's shoulders slumped and he lay down in the back seat, covering his head with his arms. So what if the jeep was moving? He could still lie down if he wanted to.

He started crying again. Softly, so that Sanzo wouldn't yell at him. He really didn't want to be yelled at.

He'd been the one to gather the flowers. He'd been the one to set them on the grave. White ones, red ones, yellow ones, purple ones. He'd found some in the forest, some in the fields near where they had buried him. After all, picking flowers by hand meant more than just buying them at some store. Didn't it?

But really, the flowers weren't enough. They hadn't stopped the numbness. They hadn't made him come back.

They were just stupid, useless flowers, like Sanzo had said.

_Flowers. Feh. Why the hell should we get flowers? They're not going to change anything._

_But Sanzo!_

_Get flowers if you want to. Just leave me out of if._

The seat was getting soaked with tears now, but he didn't move and he didn't stop crying.

Why did he have to die?

He'd been there. He could have stopped it. It wouldn't have been that hard to do. Just turn around and drive his weapon through that youkai's gut. And then he wouldn't be dead.

But it hadn't been that easy.

There had been more youkai than usual. Far more. And it had been harder to keep track of all of them. And there had been two…

And there had two at that moment, one going after Sanzo, one going after _him_. Neither of the two men had seen them coming, being otherwise occupied at the moment. There had only been time enough to kill one of them…

Goku had made his choice. He's save Sanzo. And let the other one kill—

So it was his fault, wasn't it? That he was dead? Wasn't it?

He sniffed, still crying. But he couldn't have done anything else! One of them still would be dead! It just would have been Sanzo instead.

Would he have been able to deal with it if it had been?

What if he hadn't made a choice at all? Suppose he had just let them both die? And then…

Should he have just let them both die?

"No," he whispered. "No. I did what I had to. I can't—"

"Won't you just shut up?"

Goku buried his head further into his arms. And he kept crying, though he made sure that he was as quiet as possible.

Did he really feel _anything_? How could he not be affected by this? Why did he still have to tell him to shut up? Why, why, why, why, why…

Always why. And what if. And should have and did and would have and how and…and why.

Silence fell over the jeep as it continued to carry the three men west.

* * *

A/N2: Well, I didn't tell you who it is yet. You can guess, if you want to. Gojyo or Hakkai. There was a hint in there, but it is very subtle. There will be a few more chapters (at _least_ one more. But if I get really inspired and if you all want more, then I will write more) and they will shift from character to character, though there will always be something about Sanzo in them. Oh, and once I reveal which character is dead, I will explain my reasoning behind why Sanzo got so emotional over the death. 

Thank you for reading and reviewing,

Raven


	3. Numbness

A/N: Eh…there's a lot of cursing in this. Just to warn you all.

Anyway, here's where you find out who died. I actually wrote two chapters, just in case I decided on the other person. If you want to see the other chapter when this story is over, just drop be a review and tell me.

If this chapter seems really choppy...that was kind of the intent. Enjoy.

Oh, and thank you's to all of my reviewers. I really appreciate that you take the time to tell me what you think. Even though this story might not be what you expect.

* * *

**Letting Go**

**Numbness**

His hands tightened on the steering wheel once more as he slammed his foot down on the breaks.The priest cursed loudly as the force threw him forward. He ignored him.Sanzo could rot in hell. In fact, he preferred that that goddamned priest died a painful and bloody death.

"Fucking kappa. Who the hell taught you to drive?" Sanzo got out of the jeep, glaring at the man who still sat in the driver's seat. "Goku. Get out here."

Gojyo didn't answer Sanzo, just watched as Goku jumped out of the back seat, the usual spring missing from his step. Why the hell couldn't Sanzo realize—?

The two disappeared into the inn, presumably securing three rooms for the night. Gojyo could have laughed. Knowing their luck, there would only be one room left. Or, ironically, there would be four.

Of course it would be four. Why wouldn't it be four? Now that Hakkai was dead—

Gojyo slammed his hand down on the steering wheel. Of all the people to go, it had to be Hakkai. Why couldn't it have been that damned priest? Or the stupid monkey? It's not like they really needed either of them. And if it hadn't been for Sanzo, they wouldn't be on this fucking mission in the first place. Hakkai wouldn't be dead. They wouldn't be stuck in one room every time that they stayed at a hotel. Hakkai wouldn't be dead. He wouldn't have to listen to Goku complaining about being hungry. Hakkai wouldn't be dead. He wouldn't have Sanzo try to shoot him all the time. Hakkai wouldn't—

In one violent movement he got out of the jeep, barely noticing as it turned back into the small white dragon that began to fly around his head, cheeping pitifully. He ignored Hakuryu, jamming his hands into his pockets and heading inside.

He saw Sanzo and Goku instantly; they were speaking to the innkeeper. Well, Sanzo was. Goku was sitting on the ground, staring at the wall with a blank look in his eyes. Stupid kid. Always spacing out.

As he walked in he saw Sanzo put his hand to his head, the other twitching towards the gun at his side. "Fine. We'll take it. Just give me the damned key."

Gojyo sauntered over to them, leaning on the counter. "What's the matter, priesty? Four rooms this time?"

Sanzo glared at him. "One more word out of you and I'll blow your head off."

Gojyo decided that he would push Sanzo as far as he could. After all, why not? And it would make him feel better, even though he didn't really like having a gun pointed at his head. "Oh, so there's more than four rooms? Are we actually going to get our own rooms tonight? Bet you're sad about that, Sanzo-chan. You try to hid it, but we all know that you like being in the same room with—"

He just narrowly missed getting hit by the bullet. As it was, he wouldn't be surprised if he were missing some hair. Sanzo's revolver was still aimed at his head.

"You want me to answer your question, you fucking kappa? They have one room. One _fucking_ room. Got it? Not four, not ten. Not even two. One. Get it through your fucked up head. Now, either shut your mouth or go and get yourself killed. Or I'll kill you myself. Got it?"

Gojyo crossed his arms and leaned forward, deliberately taunting the priest. "I'm not sure I heard you correctly. _One_ room? As in, _one_ bed? Oh, our lord Sanzo is going to be so happy about that. Aren't you?" He watched as Sanzo's eyes narrowed and his finger tightened on the trigger. "Gonna shoot me, are you? Go ahead. I don't think you can do it."

"Please, sirs," came the voice of the innkeeper. He sounded quite frantic, though Gojyo didn't pay any attention to his words. "Don't fire that gun in here. And—"

"Sanzo? Gojyo?" Gojyo turned his head and saw that Goku was staring up at them. "Guys, I'm tired. Can I go up to th' room?"

Sanzo stayed still for a moment, then lowered his gun, returning it to its holster at his side. "Do I look like I care? Do whatever the hell you want."

"Um, Sanzo?" The priest twitched as the boy spoke, his eyes narrowing slightly.

"What? If you say that you're hungry I'll—"

"You have th' key." Goku said it quickly, cutting off the rest of Sanzo's words. "You have th' key, Sanzo. I'm gonna need it if I want to get in."

Sanzo stared at him for a moment, then turned and began to walk towards the stairs that would lead up to the room. "Fine. Come on, then. Stupid monkey."

Goku didn't say anything. Didn't complain about being hungry, didn't whine about being called a monkey. Just followed after Sanzo. Just walked quietly behind him.

Gojyo stared, a little confused. No, really confused. The monkey wasn't acting like himself. Not at all. And that damn priest was more trigger-happy then ever.

"Hey," he said, turning towards the innkeeper. "You. Ya know of a bar in town?"

The innkeeper, looking shaken from what had just occurred, jerked his arm to the right. "Yeah. Just head down the road a bit. There's a place down there with some pretty good stuff. It's called—"

"Yeah, yeah. Thanks. I'll find it." He turned and strode out of the room. Beer sounded good right now. Lots of alcohol and a pack of cigarettes…that would make him feel better.

…

He sat at a table; legs propped up, a beer bottle in one hand, a smoke in the other. He threw his head back, taking a swig from the bottle.

That was better. Drowning everything out in a torrent of bitter liquid…numbing, shoving everything out of his mind. So much better. And that damned priest was nowhere to be seen. Wouldn't dream of going to a bar like this.

Gojyo had been sitting there for a long time, the empty pack of cigarettes and the stubs in the ashtray the only indicators of how long that time had really been. That and the empty bottles before him on the table.

He'd avoided the card games. He'd seen people sitting at other tables, cards in their hands, money out in the center. Bets and laughs and the smell of smoke. Then lying down of the cards, someone cussing when they lost.

Hell, he didn't want to see it. Or hear it. If he went over there he bet that he'd win. Knock 'em all flat and take all the money. But really, every win would remind him of all the times that he'd lost. All the times that _he_ had won. When Hakkai had showed his cards with that smile on his face, apologizing for winning. Sending Gojyo into a fit of curses.

_Oh! A straight flush—I'm sorry._

_Goddammit! This is how I make my living, you know!_

More beer. He needed more beer. And more cigarettes. He had lit his final one a while ago and it was burning down to a stub. Soon there would be nothing left. Nothing at all.

He took it from his mouth and stared at it. And stared. Then, in one savage motion crushed it in the ashtray, burning his hand as he did so.

Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it.

Hakkai hadn't like the smoke. Had even complained about it a few times. Goddammit—

"Hey." He looked up, signaling to the serving girl. "More beer."

"Sure thing, hot stuff." She winked at him. Any other day he would have taken the opportunity. Flirted with her, seduced her, get her into his bed. But now he just…

He just didn't want to think anymore.

How could that fucking priest not feel anything? How could he just drag them away from the grave like that, not give them enough time to say good bye or anything? Go on like nothing had ever happened? He wasn't actinglike Hakkai was dead. Other than the increase in threats, but Gojyo didn't think that meant anything. After all, Sanzo was Sanzo. He didn't need a reason to try to kill him.

He'd probably regret drinking this much in the morning. He'd wake up with a hangover, a throbbing headache. Sanzo would shoot some bullets at him and tell him that he'd better not go drinking again because he wasn't going to let some fucking drunk kappa drive them all to their deaths.

Like Sanzo was any better at driving. He'd just…he'd just…

It was getting hard to think. Gojyo's hand jerked as he brought the bottle to his mouth again, spilling beer down his front. Damn it.

But it was getting harder to think, and that was a good thing. A really good thing. Maybe he'd forget for a little bit.

His head drooped, falling toward his chest. He blinked, raised it. Where the hell was his beer? He couldn't see the serving girl anywhere.

"Oh, him? He's right over there."

He heard the voice dimly, not comprehending it. Then he felt someone grabbing his arm and heard a voice that he was pretty sure that he knew.

"Gojyo! Get up!"

"Not…getting up, Hakkai," he muttered. There was a moment of silence. Then the tugging on his arm began again.

"Get up, you perverted kappa!"

He blinked. "Goku?" He turned his head to the side, the image of the boy swimming before his eyes. "Why the hell 'r you here? Where's Hakkai?"

Silence again. All the alcohol had done what it was supposed to do. Make him forget that Hakkai had died.

* * *

A/N2: Well? I guess it's kind of unexpected...I know a lot of you thought it was Gojyo who died, but I thought Hakkai would actually have more of an impact on Sanzo. Also, Gojyo was more interesting to write, even though this chapter was pretty hard to write.

I'm actually going to save my reasoning for this death until the end of the story. Which will be in a few chapters. It's just that it's going to be a pretty long thing, and I don't want it to write it out yet...I know, I'm kind of lazy. But there are going to be one or two more chapters, showing how this little bit closes down.

Again, thank for reading. Any comments will be appreciated.

Raven


	4. Fight

A/N: Here's chapter four. I'm actually see two or so more chapters left in this story, one more from Gojyo's point of view, and then the last from Sanzo's.

Anyway, thank you all so much for reading this and reviewing. I love all the feedback, and hope that you will stick around until the end. Hope that you enjoy this chapter.

* * *

**Letting Go**

**Fight**

"Goku."

"Yeah?" Goku looked up from where he sat. He hadn't been able to sleep that night and had taken to sitting by the window, watching the curled form of Hakuryu. The dragon hadn't stirred since the day before.

Sanzo, by the looks of it, hadn't slept either. He was sitting on the bed, smoking. "Get the kappa up. We're leaving."

Goku glanced over at Gojyo. He had been the one to find him, the one to drag him back to the room. Gojyo had been drunk, had passed out halfway back. Goku had left him on the floor and he remained there, sprawled in the middle of the room.

Sanzo hadn't been pleased that the kappa had gone and gotten himself drunk. He had cursed at him, kicked him, then decided that he'd rather just leave him be.

Goku reached out and ran a hand over Hakuryi, stroking his head. "Should I wake up Jeep too?" he asked, turning his head so that he could see the priest. Sanzo stared at him with emotionless eyes.

"What do you think?" There was a sharp edge to his voice and Goku decided it would be best not to answer him. He scooped Hakuryu up in his hands, bringing him level with his face.

"Hey, Jeep! Time t' wake up!" He jiggled his hands slightly, trying to wake up the dragon. Hakuryu opened one eye, showing a glint of red, then cheeped feebly and closed his eye again.

Goku blinked, lifting the dragon's head with one finger. This time Hakuryu didn't even move. "Sanzo?"

"What?"

Goku flinched slightly at the tone of Sanzo's voice. "Umm…I don't think Jeep's okay."

There was a moment of silence. "What do you mean, Goku?"

Goku set the dragon back down on the windowsill. "I mean, he's not waking up. Doesn't that mean that he's not all right?"

He heard Sanzo growl. "Wonderful." Goku turned around in time to see him get up from the bed. "We'll be walking, then. Gojyo, get your worthless hide up!" He caught his foot under Gojyo's shoulder, flipping him over.

The kappa groaned, eyes flickering as he raised himself up with one arm. He blinked, staring up at Sanzo for a moment, trying to figure out what had happened. "What the hell, you damn priest!" His voice was hoarse, his eyes bloodshot. "You didn't have to kick me!"

Sanzo pulled on his robes, then glared down at the red haired man. "We're going. Get up."

Gojyo sat up, resting his head in his hands. "Damn it. Fucking headache."

"That's your own fault, kappa."

Gojyo looked up, eyes narrowing. "Shut th—"

"Jeep's sick," said Goku, seeking to prevent the argument that was sure to come. "At least, I think so. He's not waking up." From the window, Hakuryu cooed, though the sound was very soft and faint.

"Sounds like he's awake to me." Sanzo withdrew his gun from his robes, pointing it down at Gojyo. "You. I thought I told you to get up."

Gojyo rose unsteadily, reaching out for the wall to keep himself from falling. "Didn't take a lot to set you off this time, did it?"

Goku watched the two of them sadly. This was not good. Not good at all. Gojyo was right; Sanzo had drawn his gun incredibly early in the argument. "Hey, guys?"

"Shut it, monkey," came Sanzo's voice. "I do not want to hear that you are hungry."

Goku's shoulders slumped. Would it help to tell them that he _wasn't_ hungry? Because he wasn't. Not at all. He hadn't felt like eating for the past few days, but he had. He knew that he needed to eat, even if he didn't want to.

"Oh, so you aren't even listening to anyone else, are you? Is the great Sanzo so mighty now that he doesn't even need to hear the words of his poor minions?"

Sanzo's finger tightened on the trigger of his revolver. "Shut your mouth, you piece of shit. I told you to get up—"

"And I am up!" Gojyo's voice was rising. "Or did you not notice that? Are going blind now, as well as going bald? Wait, I already knew that! Why else do you have to wear glasses?"

There was a cracking sound, and a bullet buried itself in the wall beside Gojyo's head. The kappa hadn't so much as flinched.

"Is that all you can do?" he taunted. "Come on, Sanzo. You always miss me. Bad shot as well as blind and bald?"

"Shut the hell up."

"Oh, I struck a nerve, did I? I'll just say it all again. Bad shot, blind, bald, fucking priest!"

"Guys!" It was a feeble attempt to stop them. It really was. Yelling probably wouldn't help, but it was all he could do. He didn't want to get involved. "Come 'n guys, listen to me!"

"Shut up, you damn monkey!"

And he really didn't want to be called a monkey. Not now, not ever, But they never really listened to him. Only Hakkai had, and now Hakkai was gone.

Everything was falling apart. It really was. Without Hakkai there to keep the balance…these two were probably going to kill each other. Goku could already see Sanzo's finger tightening on the trigger again. He wondered if he'd actually shoot Gojyo this time. He wouldn't be surprised if he did.

Everything was a mess. Sanzo was yelling at everyone, though he couldn't think of anything more to say than threats and 'shut ups' and the such. He wasn't sleeping; Goku knew that much. He wasn't all right, even if he was acting pretty much how he always did. There was something wrong about him, though Goku didn't know what it was.

Gojyo…Gojyo was falling apart as well. Going out and getting drunk and taunting Sanzo weren't anything new, but just the way that he didn't seem to care what he said. Or if Sanzo actually shot him. It was kind of like he didn't care what happened anymore.

And they both ignored him. Goku felt so alone, even though they were right there. If Hakkai were there…if Hakkai were there, maybe things would be all right again. But there was no way that Hakkai would come back.

"Sanzo," he tried again, a pleading note in his voice, "Gojyo. Can't you just listen t' me for a moment?"

They ignored him. They ignored him like they always did. After all, he was just a stupid monkey who only thought about food, wasn't he?

"So," Gojyo was saying, leaning back against the wall as if this was all just something incredibly amusing, "Jeep's sick. What were you planning for us to do, Lord Sanzo? Walk? But I thought that Lord Sanzo was a lazy ass. Why would he want to walk?"

"We'll walk," said Sanzo through a clenched jaw. The creases between his eyes had deepened and he was glaring at Gojyo as though trying to kill him with that action. "And _you_ are going to carry the damn bags, got it?"

"Oh, I'm so frightened of bags. You think that's some sort of punishment for me, Sanzo? It's not like I haven't carried stuff before."

Goku turned his back to them, focusing on Hakuryu. If the dragon would just wake up, then maybe this would stop. Then they could just get started and head off to the west. "Come 'n Jeep."

Hakuryu raised his head, opening both eyes this time. He cheeped again.

"What's wrong, Jeep?" Goku asked, though he didn't expect to understand any answer that the dragon could supply. But talking to the dragon distracted him from the fight that was going on behind him. "Are you hungry?"

He shook his small head, dropping it back down to the windowsill. Goku picked up the dragon again.

"Come 'n, Jeep! We need you t' get up. Then we can go, and they'll stop fighting! Okay?" He thought for a moment and suddenly realized what was wrong. It was so incredibly obvious. "You miss him, don't you?"

Hakuryu cheeped, nodding. He rested his head on Goku's wrist, closing his red eyes. He cheeped again and then fell silent.

Hakkai. It all came back to Hakkai. Goku pulled the dragon to his chest, looking down at him sadly. This dragon was the last remaining thing of Hakkai's that they had. Sanzo had told them to get rid of the rest of his stuff, because they couldn't afford to drag it along with them. His clothes and all the other small things that he had brought along with him on the journey…they had buried them with him.

What if—a thought stuck Goku suddenly, one that made him very cold—what if Hakuryu died as well? What if he became so sad because Hakkai was gone that he died?

There was the sound of several more gunshots from behind him. The two were still yelling, looking ready to kill one another.

Why couldn't Gojyo just leave Sanzo alone? Why couldn't Sanzo just not listen to Gojyo? Why couldn't…

Useless. It was all just so useless. Hakkai had been the only one who kept them from killing each other. He, Goku, couldn't do that. Besides, they listened to Hakkai. They'd respected his opinions. And they just thought of Goku as some monkey. Some little monkey who only wanted food.

_That's not true. I don't want food anymore._

He thought back to when Hakkai had died. He'd had a choice, between Sanzo and Hakkai. He didn't want Sanzo to die, but what would be happening now if the priest had been the one to be buried? Would things be the same? Would they be better, or would they be worse?

It hurt to think about it, but he had to. He didn't like how things were now. He didn't like it at all.

What if…what if there had been a way to save both of them? It would have probably meant giving his own life…but he wondered about it. If he had been given the choice, would he have done it? Saved them both and let himself be killed?

He might have. If he knew that it would keep what was currently occurring from happening.

He didn't know what to do to stop Sanzo and Gojyo from fighting. But he wanted them to stop. He really, really did.

_I don't just want food anymore._

_

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_A/N2: Well, there you have it. Another part from Goku. I personally think that he would react this way; I think losing Hakkai would make him try to grow up.

Anyway, questions, comments, or if you found mistakes, just review and tell me/ask me.

Raven


	5. Insane

A/N: I am sorry about the long wait. Real life, plus some other writing things got in the way. I hope this chapter makes up for it; it is a bit short, but it is hard to carry on the emotion for an incredibly long time.

Thank yous to all of the reviewers, as well as the readers who didn't review. I hope you are enjoying this. There will be one last chapter (from Sanzo's point of view) and then the alternate chapter 3 as a bonus chapter.

**Warning:** This chapter does contain quite a bit of cussing, from both Gojyo and Sanzo. You have been warned.

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**Letting Go**

**Insane**

That damn, smug priest. He was standing there, almost _smirking_ at him. He hated him. Gojyo really did. He wanted nothing more than to cram his fist into his gut. It might make him feel better.

He didn't even really know what he was yelling anymore. He just…responded. Stuck some words together and let them leap off his tongue. He didn't care if Sanzo was going to shoot him; he just wanted to hurt him. Damn priest, didn't even care that Hakkai was gone! Didn't show any emotion or anything. Did he even know that the man was dead?

Gojyo doubted it. No one could know that someone was dead, gone forever, and not react to it. No one.

Of course, Gojyo couldn't see the way that Sanzo hand shook as he aimed the gun at the kappa. Didn't know that Sanzo wasn't sleeping at all. Had no idea that the death of Hakkai _had_ affected him. All that he knew was the priest was still making them go on this fucking journey to the west, not even giving them enough time to make a decent headstone for Hakkai's grave!

How would anyone know who was buried there? How the hell would anyone know?

He was dead. He was gone. Hakkai wouldn't ever be there to laugh and smile and tell him to stop drinking. To remind him that they were out of food and needed to buy some more. Wouldn't drag him on those shopping trips, wouldn't ask him to carry the bags.

They'd never get back to Chang'an, to that little house that they had lived in for the past three years. Hakkai would never, ever again remind him that it was garbage day.

It was odd. Gojyo had always hated all those little things. Had hated how Hakkai would try to make sure that everything got done and made sure that Gojyo helped. Hated how he would nag him like he was his mother or something. And now…now Hakkai was gone and Gojyo wouldn't have anything like that anymore. If they ever got home he'd go back to that house and probably forget about the trash, forget to clean the place. He'd go out and gamble and pick up girls like he had done before he met Hakkai. He'd get drunk and wake up somewhere that he wouldn't recognize.

And for some reason, he didn't like that. Didn't like it at all. He didn't want to go back to that life.

It was so strange, so stupid, and it scared the hell out of him. He didn't want to think that he had become dependent on having some guy in his life to make sure that he didn't end up dead in some gutter. Not like anyone could kill him—

But that wasn't right. That wasn't right at all. If someone had asked him at the beginning of the trip who would go first…he wouldn't have said Hakkai. He would have said Sanzo, or himself. Hell, even the stupid monkey who was a lot stronger than he looked should have gone before Hakkai. He just…he wouldn't have thought that Hakkai would die first. Not Hakkai, who was normally smart enough to figure out if something was a trap. Not Hakkai, who was smart enough to know when and when not to fight.

Goddamn it. Hakkai should not have been the one to die.

Sanzo was still there, standing before him, that damn gun still pointed at his head. He said something—Gojyo wasn't even sure what the hell he said. He just knew that he took several steps forward, balled his hand into a fist, and swung for the priest's stomach.

He hit him. Hit him once, twice, and tried to hit him a third time. But that fucking priest had fired that damn gun. Gojyo wasn't even sure what had happened. There was a stabbing pain in his shoulder, then the gun was suddenly gone from Sanzo's hand and Gojyo felt himself being pulled away from the priest.

"You can't do that! You guys can't do that!"

Gojyo stumbled back against the wall, one hand clutching his shoulder. He hit the wall and slumped down to the ground. He stared at his hand. Was that…blood? He blinked rapidly, looking across the room. There was the gun, lying near the door. Sanzo was…Sanzo was crouched on the ground, holding his stomach.

"You're fucking dead," he heard him growl.

"Oh, come on. I doubt you can do it," Gojyo taunted, even as he had his hand clamped over his shoulder to try and stop the bleeding. Sanzo's face twisted and he tried to get to his feet. There was a blur—or, at least, Gojyo perceived it as a blur—and then Goku was there, holding Sanzo back.

"I told you guys to stop it!" The monkey's voice was shrill, more panicked than it should have been. "So stop it!"

"What the hell are you doing, Goku?" Sanzo tried to move, but the boy had him effectively pinned to the floor.

"Don't. Jus-just stop it, Sanzo. Please."

Gojyo frowned. The monkey wasn't acting quite normal. He shook his head. He didn't really care what was wrong with the boy. He removed his hand from his shoulder, moving the bloodied fabric of his shirt away so that he could see the wound. It wasn't deep or anything. Just a grazing. Nothing worse than wounds he had received before. Hell, he'd been hurt far worse than this. The time when they'd faced off with Chin Yisou came to mind. Now _that_ had been a pretty bad injury. Getting shot with some damn seed thing, and then with a bullet. Come to think of it, that had been the first—and up till now, only—time that Sanzo had ever really shot him.

He wondered how much blood his was lossing. A fair amount, he supposed. Okay, maybe it was a deep wound. He'd have to get Hakkai to fix it—

He closed his eyes at the thought, letting his head fall back against the wall. Oh, fucking hell. Hakkai. He was dead.

He needed a drink. He needed a shit-load of alcohol and a pack of cigarettes.

"Guys," came Goku's voice. He sounded a bit…what was it? Choked? Strangled? Something like that. Gojyo opened his eyes. The monkey had released Sanzo, but was holding that gun so that the priest couldn't get it. "Sanzo, Gojyo. Can you just listen to me for a moment?"

"I'm not interesting in hearing that you're hungry," snarled Sanzo, glaring at Gojyo. "So sh—"

"Stop it! Just—I not hungry! I'm not! _So stop ignoring me!_"

"The monkey's not hungry," Gojyo said stupidly, trying to make some sense of the situation. "Has the world gone insane?"

Sanzo didn't say anything, just stared at the boy. "Then what the hell do you want?"

Goku was breathing raggedly, backing up to the window and sitting down on the chair. He scooped up Hakuryu in his arms, as though the dragon was some anchor to the real world.

"We can't do this anymore," he all but whispered. Gojyo frowned again. Goku sounded like he was about to cry. Since when did he cry? Sure, Gojyo had seen the monkey cry before. Rarely, but he had. He shook himself, trying to clear his head. Goddamn hangover. It was hard for him to think, to piece everything together. It just…nothing was making any sense to him.

"What can't we do, Goku?" asked Sanzo, his voice harsh. Gojyo glanced at him. Something was odd about the priest's words as well. No, not the words. The way that he said them. Gojyo was missing something, and he had no idea what it was.

Goku wrapped his arms around Hakuryu. The dragon was only just barely awake, his beady red eyes moving from Gojyo to Sanzo and back again. "W-we can't go on like this. We just can't keep fighting. I don't want to fight."

"We've got to fight if we want to survive, you stupid monkey," Gojyo said, wincing as he moved his shoulder. That damn priest and his damn gun. "Otherwise the youkai'll—"

"I'm not talking about th' youkai! I _know_ that we got to fight th' youkai. But—" He saw Goku swallow, saw him take a deep breath. "But we can't keep fighting each other. He—Hakkai didn't like it. He wouldn'…he wouldn't want things to be like this." There was silence in the room as Goku looked down at Hakuryu, running a hand over the dragon's head.

When Goku looked up again, his eyes were brimming with tears. "Jeep's sick," he said, his voice wavering. "I don' know why…but I think it's something to do with Hakkai being gone. An' I don't think that he's gonna be able to travel today. An' I don't think that _we_ are gonna be able to go anywhere, either." He bit down on his bottom lip, letting out a shaking breath.

Gojyo was still frowning. The monkey was making sense. He was actually saying something smart.

The world really _was_ going insane.

"You guys can't do this anymore," Goku continued, looking down at the floor. "You can't keep trying to kill each other. You just can't. We've got to get to India an' stop this thing. It's what…it's what…" His voice began to falter. Hakuryu cheeped softly, lifting his head and looking up at Goku. This seemed to hearten the boy and Goku looked up, his eyes shining with unshed tears. "It's what Hakkai would have wanted. It's…that's why Hakkai's dead. We can't let him die for no reason. An' if we stop now…then it's an insult to Hakkai. He wouldn't have wanted us to stop."

There was another moment of silence, then Sanzo spoke.

"What do you want us to do, Goku?"

Gojyo's mouth dropped open. The priest was actually _listening_ to Goku? Hell, he wouldn't be surprised it the world exploded, or if the sky turned orange with green spots. Either that, or this was some dream that the alcohol was giving him.

Goku seemed surprised as well, but he covered it easily. "W-we need to stay here another day, an' let Jeep get better. Then we've got to head west. Sanzo, you're always saying that we don't have time to stop. An' we can't. We've got to keep going. W-when we get back, we can visit Hakkai's grave an'…an' we can make a stone an' have a proper memorial. But we can't stop! We just can't! If we do, then there was no point to Hakkai dying! He wouldn't want us to stop! Sanzo, you got to listen to me! Just…" His voice dropped again, growing soft, turning almost pleading. "Just don't hurt Gojyo anymore. An' Gojyo, just stop. Just…we don't have Hakkai anymore. If you two hurt each other, we don't have anyone to fix either of you up."

Sanzo rose to his feet, walking over to Goku. "Give me my gun." Goku shrank back.

"Not until you promise not to shoot Gojyo anymore."

Sanzo's eyes narrowed.

"Goku—"

"Didn't you hear what I just said? Did you even listen? I—"

"I heard you! Damnit, Goku, _give it back._" Sanzo clenched his jaw, holding out his hand. "I. Won't. Shoot him again. All right?"

Goku tentatively reached out, placing the gun in Sanzo's hand. "We've got to bandage his shoulder. An' get the bullet out, if it's still in there."

Gojyo frowned, hearing the words. "Oi! Monke—"

"Don't call me monkey!"

It was like all of the things the kid was holding back had overflowed and now there was no way of stopping them.

"All right. Fine." Gojyo was so confused that he just wanted to get this whole thing over with. And then go and find some incredibly strong alcohol. "How the hell do you know so much? When did you grow up?"

Goku shrugged, setting down the dragon. "I-I actually listened to Hakkai. I kinda know some stuff…Sanzo, you're gonna have to help me, though."

Sanzo crossed his arms. "No way in hell."

"Sanzo! I can't do this myself! I just can't!"

With an irritable sigh, Sanzo followed Goku over to where Gojyo sat against the wall. "Fine. What do you want me to do?"

Gojyo just stared. The priest was actually helping with something. Sanzo, who never did anything, had just caved to the pleading of Goku and was helping.

The world had gone insane. He was sure of it.

* * *

A/N2: And there it is. Gojyo's a bit out of it in this one, though I think anyone would be after all he's been through. Goku's acting a bit more mature than normal, though I don't think it is really that odd. I figure that he's a lot smarter than people give him credit for. And he listens to Hakkai, so he's probably picked up some stuff from him. 

Anyway, there are references to volume four, where Gojyo gets shot by Sanzo, and to volume five, which tells of how they all met.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter,

Raven


	6. Silence

A/N: I got this chapter done a little earlier than I thought I would. It comes from a combination of the weekend coming, a good night's sleep, and a bunch of Saiyuki pictures that I found while on the internet. Oh, and from ordering Saiyuki Reload volume two. The release day is the 13th of this month, but I put it on holda little early. Once I read it...I'm sure I will have a bit more inspiration for more one-shot type of things.

Anyway, here is the last real chapter. It switches back to present tense, just like the first chapter.

Note: Errors in this chapter have already been fixed, thanks to **DitchGospel.**

**

* * *

**

**Letting Go**

**Silence**

Three men sit in a jeep, each occupied by his own thoughts. There is a red haired man driving, oddly silent. A boy, who is silent as well. And a man with golden hair who also follows this pattern, his arms crossed before him and his eyes watching the surroundings as they pass.

He sits there, almost uncomfortable in the silence. He is not used to the silence, despite the fact that it seemed to be one of the things that he longed for. Every so often he will move, either turning his head or simply letting his eyes fall onto the forms of his companions. They are all silent. And he isn't the type to speak more than he needs to.

The past week, the past days, they all merge together in his mind. It is in his nature to forget. At least, that is what he tells himself. He'll just shut it all out, push the memories away. Eventually they won't bother him anymore. They will only come back on rainy nights. It is strange, so strange, how rain seems to be one of the only things that can make him remember things. The only thing that can break through the self-made barriers in his mind.

Sanzo draws in a breath, glancing out the side of the jeep. The entire incident, where Hakkai had died…it was such an eerie replay of what had happened all those years ago. Youkai, rain, blood…all so similar.

Maybe that is why it hurts so much when he thinks about it. Maybe it hurts because it makes him remember things that he doesn't want to.

But deep in his mind, he knows that isn't true. He knows it isn't that. Or, at least, that is only part of it.

It's because…it's because…

He still doesn't know. He can't place it. All he knows is that he's felt like shit for the past days, the past weeks, or however long it has been since the incident. And even though he has tried, he can't forget. It's still there, fresh in his mind. He can still see Hakkai fall, still see the blood spatter the ground.

He glances down at his robes for a moment. There, on the hem, are several stains. Dark red stains thatare beginning to turn black. His stomach roils as he remembers what had happened, how he had seen Hakkai fall and leapt forward. There had been a gunshot…he had fired it. He had tried to catch Hakkai as the man fell. Had tried, but hadn't. These stains, this blood—

He draws in a sharp breath, tearing his eyes away. He'll have to wash it. Get them out. Or find new robes, ones that aren't stained with…with Hakkai's blood.

He bites down on the inside of his cheek. He has to stop thinking about it. The more he thinks, the closer he gets to…to showing something that he doesn't want to. Besides, he already…he already…he…

He can't even admit to himself that he cried. But he's already…he's done that. He shouldn't need to again. That should have been enough to let the pain and hurt and grief go. It should have been enough.

He's not like Goku. He can never show his emotions that freely.

He's not like Gojyo. He has responsibilities; he can't let himself get drunk to wash the pain and memories away.

He's Sanzo. And he doesn't cry, doesn't laugh, doesn't smile. Though even if he did, the last two would be hard to do at the moment.

There's a movement next to him and he looks over. Gojyo has glanced at him, his red eyes seeming to search Sanzo's face for something.

Sanzo lets his mouth twist as he glares at the kappa.

"Get your eyes on the road. Make sure you don't kill us, you fucking kappa."

Gojyo shakes his head, as though clearing his mind of something, then looks back at the road. He doesn't put up a fight, doesn't start an argument. He just…accepts it.

His shoulder is bandaged. Goku didn't do that great a job on it, using far too much cloth to wrap the wound. But he did bandage it and he knew how. It had surprised Sanzo, though he hadn't shown t. It had surprised Gojyo as well. Sanzo knew this because the kappa was far too open with is feelings, even if he didn't show as much as Goku.

Then his mind takes the inevitable turn back to the subject he has been trying to avoid and has to force himself not to feel anything. He tries to block it all out.

Why does it hurt so much? The silence? It shouldn't; it's what he has wanted for so, so long.

He lets his mind go for a moment, and a moment only. In that moment, he realizes something. The silence is only there because _he_ is gone. If he were here, if none of this had ever happened, then it would be loud. Gojyo and Goku would be sitting in the back, fighting and yelling, making Sanzo stand up and hit them with his fan. Or shoot at them. And Hakkai would sit there, calmly driving along, laughing at the antics of all of them.

He would have thought that it would only be this quiet if they got rid of Goku. Or Gojyo. Or both. But all they had had to do was take away Hakkai and it all went as silent as a grave.

Had he really mattered that much? Had their group been so dependent on Hakkai that it would fall apart if he weren't there?

Sanzo knew that it was falling apart. Or it already had, and Goku had managed to salvage it. At least, he had salvaged part of it. It would never, ever be the same again. Even were they to find some dark haired man who laughed and smiled at almost everything, who wore a monocle and was overly polite, it wouldn't be the same.

It makes him feel weak. So, so weak. To know that his world had depended on Hakkai being there shake him to the core. No; he was already shaken to the core. He was already coming apart at the seams, just as the group was.

He didn't have it in him to think that it was just the same for the others. He wasn't able to realize that the loss of any one of them would have done the same thing to the group. He won't let his mind come anywhere near that idea. For now, all he has is his delusions about his supposed unattachment. He says that he doesn't care; he won't even call them his friends. He distances himself as best he can, tries to put up a wall between him and them.

He thinks that it works. He thinks that he doesn't care. He thinks that they mean absolutely nothing to him, and even after all of this he clings to this notion so desperately. He's been like this for so long…what else is there for him to do? Let the walls shatter, let himself fall apart? He can't do that, and he won't do that. It isn't who Sanzo is.

He can't let himself fall apart. He has to get to India. He has to stop this resurrection. He has to reclaim his master's sutra. Then he can…he can…

He still doesn't know. He still has no idea what he will do when it is all over. Nothing can go back to how it was, no matter how hard he or anyone else tries. Nothing can undo what has happened.

Silence.

There's only silence around him now. Even the wind doesn't seem to make any noise. Gojyo's silent, Goku's silent, Sanzo's silent.

It's going to drive him insane.

He takes a pack of cigarettes out of his robes and taps one out. Sets it between his lips, then flicks open his lighter and lights it. Inhales the smoke, like he has done so many times before.

Damn it. It doesn't help at all. Not at all.

When they get to India he's going to find out who started this whole damned project. Whoever it is…whoever the hell started it all is going to answer to him. He'll put a bullet hole through their head and then he'll smile as they fall to the ground and die. He might even laugh as he watches the blood spill across the ground.

He thinks he knows what he will do after that. He'll go somewhere and just let himself fall apart. Until then, until the whole journey is over, he'll just bottle it up inside. Hopefully, by the time that it is all over, he will forget. Then he won't have to deal with anything. It will all be gone, locked away inside.

Memories. Memories and silence. He wants them to stop, wants them to go away. Maybe…maybe the sound would drive away the memories. Maybe if he lets himself get angry, lets himself yell at the two others that ride in the jeep…maybe then his memories will die. Curl up in his mind and die, leaving nothing behind.

For the first time, he wishes for noise. Yelling and arguments and annoying words from Goku. But there is no way that he will tell them that they can start talking.

He leans back in his seat, relaxing as best he can. He hasn't even realized how tense he has become.

There are a lot of things that he hasn't realized. Just as he never realized how much he liked, how much he needed the noise.

Something needs to break the silence. Something, anything.

But that day, as the three men headed west, there wasn't a single sound to save him. Nothing.

Silence.

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A/N2: All right. It's done. Just one more post, in about a week. I'll put up the alternate chapter 3, which is from Hakkai's point of view (on the assumption that Gojyo was dead). I sort of did tell my reasons in this chapter, behind my choice. And I'm pretty sure that a number of you have figured out my reasoning... 

But I'm going to tell you as best I can, anyway.

First, so many people do Sanzo Goku sort of things. Also, I had always like the idea of Goku being the one to pull the group back together. So chapter two was always intended to be from Goku's point of view. At the time I posted it, I was toying with the idea of having Gojyo be the one who died. It was different, and one wouldn't really think Sanzo would miss him. I personally think that he would have. It at least would have messed him up a bit. Book eight (and the Reload anime, as I have been told) contains a nice little part where Gojyo leaves the group. Everyone continues onward, though everything is...off. Even Hakkai gets into a tense and pretty creepy mood. As a note, I've heard that the whole arc where that happens never appeared in the anime.

But, I eventually decided on Hakkai. I liked writing about Gojyo's way of going through grief, so I kept him.

I suppose most of this story comes through my personal opinions on how they would deal with death. And no matter what Sanzo says, he is attached to the group, in one way or another.

Raven


	7. Selfish

A/N: Well, here it is. The alternate chapter 3, where Hakkai is alive and Gojyo is dead. I didn't follow with this because...well, things would not have turned out the same, and writing for Gojyo proves to be very interesting.

I would like to thank all of you for reading this. Also, I would like to thank those of you who reviewed. I am glad that you enjoyed it, seeing my take on how the boys would react with death.

I was asked if I would do a sequel, showing what happened after the journey was done. I may, but that will be in a long time. I have been neglecting my other stories, and I need to finish them up. I also have a few other large fan fiction projects, as well as some things that are for other purposes. I may write the sequel at some point, though.

Well, enjoy the 'what would have been'.

* * *

**Letting Go**

**Selfish**

Again. It was happening again. And he had been just as helpless to stop it—no, he had been less helpless, though he still hadn't been able to save him.

His hands tightened on the steering wheel, turning white as he gripped it. He felt as though his grip on the wheel was the only thing allowing him to hold onto reality.

Last time he had lost someone he had…he had gone almost insane with grief. He didn't want that to happen again.

After all, he was the one who had to hold the group together. They'd just lost Gojyo; what would happen if they could no longer rely on Hakkai? Well, he was almost positive that Sanzo would be able to deal with it, but Goku…the poor boy wouldn't make it.

He had to hold on. For Goku.

He stopped the jeep outside of an inn, waiting silently as the other two unloaded their things. Then, ever so slowly, he removed his hands from the steering wheel, taking deep breaths as he did so.

Somehow, he managed to hold on to himself.

As he walked towards the inn, leading the other two, Hakuryu changed back into his dragon form and flew to Hakkai's shoulder, trying to lend comfort in the form of coos and quiet cheeps.

Hakkai reached up and touched the dragon's head, running his fingers down his neck. While it didn't help him as much as he needed, this little creature was there for him.

"Thank you, Jeep," he whispered, answered only by Hakuryu butting his head against his fingers, cooing.

Several laborious steps, then he was at the desk. An older man stood behind it, looking up and smiling. "Hello, how may I help you?"

Hakkai smiled, though his face felt strained, as though it were about to break and shatter into a thousand pieces. He didn't want that; his mask was the one thing that kept him from falling apart. If that broke…

Sanzo was a bit like that. Hakkai realized that. They really were far too similar. They hid behind masks; Sanzo's a cold, harsh one, and Hakkai behind a pleasant and smiling one.

Hakkai looked back at his companions. His friends. The remaining two. "How many rooms do you have available?"

The man glanced back at the rack of keys on the wall. "We have one; will that be all right?"

Hakkai nodded. "Yes, that will do. How much?"

So he paid, took the key from the man's hand. He looked to his friends again. Goku, the ever cheerful boy, looked so downtrodden. He looked how Hakkai felt inside. Derelict, despondent, and weary.

He felt so tired. So, so tired. He just wanted to lie down and sleep, hoping that those moments when he wasn't awake could take away some of the pain.

Hakkai laughed inwardly. He knew that it wouldn't. At best, he would only dream of his friend. At worst, he would relive the death. Just as it had been for weeks and weeks, months upon months after Kanan's death.

Was it all the same? Was it all happening again?

He couldn't fall apart. He wouldn't fall apart. Cry? Yes. Comfort the others? Yes. But would he let himself fall entirely apart, release his other half? No. He couldn't afford to do that.

He supposed that there were differences between the two deaths. With Kanan…he had no one left, once she was gone. It had only been her, she had been the only thing that kept him grounded. When she was gone…

Now Goku and Sanzo were there. He had to remain strong, for them.

They reached the room, and Goku instantly went to one of the beds and curled up. There were only two beds, however. Hakkai closed his eyes, sighing.

"Sanzo…you can take that one. I will just make do with the floor."

Sanzo nodded once, sitting down near the window, pulling out a pack of cigarettes. Hakkai's eyes narrowed, then he set his things down on the ground, turning on his heels.

"Where are you going?"

Hakkai glanced back. "Groceries. We need them."

He didn't really want to go out and get them, but he left either way.

He knew that Sanzo was trying to hide it. Trying to hide how hurt he was by the entire thing. No matter how many times the priest had yelled at the kappa, shot at him, threatened him, it still hurt to lose him. He had noticed, when the priest came back from the grave, how there was a hint of redness around his eyes.

It was good for the man to cry.

Hakkai had let out his grief during the burial. The pain of losing someone, of losing another, it had nearly torn him apart.

And not only that, it had brought up unwanted memories. It had caused him to deal with Kanan's death all over again.

Was it all coming full circle?

Was it?

When Kanan had died, Gojyo had been there. Not right away, but he had been the one to bring him back from the edge of death. And now…now Gojyo was gone. Hakkai wondered if that would make him fall back to how he was right after her death.

He wondered what was going to happen to him.

His legs felt leaden and his head hurt. The streets were far too noisy, far too cheerful.

He wanted to get away, if only for a few moments. To drop the mask again, to show all that pain that he had hidden away inside of himself.

His steps carried him through the streets, towards the outskirts of town. Soon, there was no one around. Not one soul, except for a small old woman working in a garden. Hakkai smiled at her, tipping his head, then turning the other way, facing east.

And let the mask drop.

There was no visible change to his body, and no one saw his face. But if they had…

His eyes turned cold, harsh, and his mouth became a thin line.

It was easier for him this way. If only he didn't feel like he had to smile.

But that was how he was. That was what his friends expected him to do. But he just couldn't always be like that.

Gojyo had understood. At least, to some extent. Enough that he would leave him alone when he asked. He could be annoying most of the time, but he respected Hakkai enough to let him be alone.

He could have saved him. He could have. He could have healed him. If he had only been a split second faster. If only there hadn't been more youkai attacking.

If only, if only, if only. What did it matter? Trying to think logically, trying to think like someone looking in from an unbiased point…he couldn't have saved him. He hadn't known that Gojyo had been injured until he had heard the scream. He didn't have enough time.

He didn't have to blame himself.

But he did. What else could he do? Lay the blame on Sanzo, or Goku? He wasn't like that. Lay it on Gojyo?

No. Never. The dead were not…it was not Gojyo's fault that he was now dead.

Everything was just so…dead. Empty. He felt it while in the jeep, he felt it now. Without Gojyo…

Without Gojyo, what would happen to all of them?

He wondered. He really did. Would things stay together, or would they fall apart?

Could he keep them all together?

He hoped that he could. He hoped that now, having two friends there to support him, he wouldn't lose himself.

He didn't want to lose himself again. Selfish, yes. It was selfish, and he knew it. But he still…

He didn't want to lose himself.

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A/N2: Hakkai is quite a hard character to write, and it all depends on what spin you are taking on his character.

Anyway, that is it. It's over. Hope you enjoyed it.

Raven


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